I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
