Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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