I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
