My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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