So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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