It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
