i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
