You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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