Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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