I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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