I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
