I faked an abortion last night.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
