Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
