I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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