like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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