I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
