did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
