Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
