Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
