I think i sorta joined a cult last night
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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