I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
