I can text with my tongue
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
