That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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