The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
