they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
