he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
