my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
So much Jack, so little girl.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
