I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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