Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You can't motorboat a personality
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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