i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
