I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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