Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
