Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
