the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
