Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
