I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Randomize
