Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
