I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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