I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
