Farmville is her only friend.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
