tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
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