this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
