I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
