I smell stomach acid.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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