My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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