I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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