She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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