A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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