I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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