I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
